Waking Up on the Dark Side - The Power of Language

As most of you know, the bulk of my shallow little life is spent on the Internet. I am connected to people from here to Ouagadougou and everywhere in between. I boot up in the morning on the way to the coffee maker, that’s how bad it is.

Therefore, you can imagine that internet connectivity is at the top of my list when choosing a hotel:

Me: “Do you guys have beds?”
Hotel: “No, but it’s good for your back to sleep on the floor.”
Me: “Hmmm, OK, how about internet access?”
Hotel: “Works like a charm!”
Me: “OK dude, sign me up.”

So I reserved at La Quinta in Deerfield Beach not knowing what a challenge it would be. Honestly, it nearly always is a problem – in the US, that is. Off the top of my head, this year I have overnighted in New York twice, Miami several times, and each time it was a headache. In Canada, France, and South America everything worked like a charm. Even Peru and Colombia. Go figger. The La Quinta motto, quite fittingly, is “Wake up on the Bright Side.”

I check in here at Deerfield and fire up my laptop and away we go, looking up places and maps, doing research, and chatting to babes and friends. Suddenly, everything stops working and I start getting cryptic Microsnot messages which you need several certifications to discypher – e.g. “you are connected, signal is strong, but you’re screwed buddy and we won't give you the slightest hint why!!” Most helpful.

So I go down to the Reception and talk to the Asst. General Manager, who just happened to be on duty. He said there is a general router downstairs and another that supplies my room that is located in room 210. I said “It’s IN the guest room???” and he said yes, phoned up 210, and got the guy to turn it off and back on.

Sure enough, I got back to my room and I was in business.

Next time it happened I was not so fortunate. I went downstairs and there was a very friendly looking guy on the job, big smile with teeth flashing and all, but as soon as I told him the problem, that chummy expression was quickly replaced with a stony look and he said he didn’t know anything about the internet and how it worked. Great.

I looked him over: brown, but the shape of his face was foreign and he looked very happy. People from places like Haiti and Cuba are just happy to be here, that's why they're always smiling like they know something that you don't. They do in fact, hahaha. They know what a tough life really is. One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor and all that.

I looked at his name and it was “Jean-Louis”. Eureka! I guessed he was from Haiti and switched over to French. His face lit up like a pinball machine, and I went on to explain that all he needed to do was call up room 210 and ask them to turn the modem off and on again and we’d be fine. He wasn’t buying it quite that fast, so I had to explain the router situation and what had happened with the Manager.

So, he phones up 210 and says “This is Jean-Louis from the front desk”, listens for a moment, hangs up, and starts laughing. He said the guy in the room asked him right away if he should re-boot the modem. Obviously, the guy was used to the problem. Jean-Louis and I had a good giggle, then off I go to surf.

I would probably still be in the dark had we continued in English. That’s not to say his English isn’t very good, which it is. Language gives credibility, puts us on the same page so to speak.

Anyway, the next time it happened it became quite an adventure: I went downstairs and there’s this lovely Sista holding the fort. You know the type: hair and makeup perfect, nails about 6” long, the whole deal. As you can imagine, she threw up her hands and said she didn’t have a clue and that if I wanted to surf I would have to do it in the Reception. That type of babe just looks at things and they leap to attention and do exactly what she wants so problem-solving understandably isn't her game.

Knowing how easy it would be to solve the problem, I was not so quickly dissuaded. Finally I convinced her to call the room, and when she did so she handed the phone to me! As I said, troubleshooting isn't her thing. Some dozy sounding lady answered the phone and promptly hung up when I explained the problem. I insisted with the Sista and she called the Security Guard to the scene to help. Then she phoned back with a voice full of authority and talked to the lady in 210 herself.

From Florida Xmas 2008 - Grik Grapples free from Grisly Grad!!

The Security Guard and I went up to the room and the door was opened by some dopy-looking teenage bimbo. No wonder she hung up on me: Kids of that age ignore everyone over the age of 30 and avoid us if at all possible, but she was trapped. It was 9 PM, the ironing board was in place, and immediately I thought this babe’s going out for a night on the town, so we better solve this right now or she’ll be in bed all day the next day.

Before she could do anything, I glided across the floor, went under the desk, and unplugged the router and plugged it back in, said thanks, and I was outta there.

In the land of the internet just like the Third World, every day is a new day, as we go out hunting and foraging for the next scrap of grub. I awoke this morning full of research to do and ideas to investigate only to discover that the web was down again. I immediately enlisted the help of that spiffy black babe with the long nails on the reception, who in turn engaged another Security Dude to go up to 210. So far, so good, until we got to the room and Miss Bimbo had hung out the DO NOT DISTURB sign haha.

Negotiations are currently underway to determine what is the appropriate time to phone up the Bimbo, who was no doubt out clubbing all night as we suspected.

Everybody Knows this is Nowhere

from Mr. Neil Young 1969

I think I'd like to go
back home
And take it easy
There's a woman that
I'd like to get to know
Living there

Everybody seems to wonder
What it's like down here
I gotta get away
from this day-to-day
running around,
Everybody knows
this is nowhere.

Every time I think about
back home
It's cool and breezy
I wish that I could be there
right now
Just passing time.

Everybody seems to wonder
What it's like down here
I gotta get away
from this day-to-day
running around,
Everybody knows
this is nowhere.

And most definitely and without a doubt, Florida is nowhere. I've been here for several days and the only buildings or businesses I've seen that are either (A) unique, or (B) older than 10 years are closed down businesses of one type of another.

It's as flat as a board, so I miss the mountains already. Get ready for all the whining and moaning everybody, I haven't even left California and I'm already sulking and grumbling.

A few first impressions, let's see what happens to them over time:

1. It actually has WEATHER. I admit, come October every year in California, I get a bit sick of seeing the sun up there every day and look forward to the rain. Won't be like that here, it changes all the time.

2. Everybody comes from somewhere else. I like that. There's nothing to remember anyway, so no need for local experts haha. Lots of northerners and of course lots of foreigners.

3. It's busy, lots of people, lots of traffic, but I am north of the big mess Miami, so it appears to be under control. Population growth will be half of what it was in the first few years after the turn of the century and most of it is either new grads or retirees.

4. The people are friendly. They seem to be less stressed than in the Bay Area. Lots of them area also old and not in a hurry, or at least they shouldn't be. I think they are relieved to have escaped from wherever they are from.

5. It is more diverse than I thought but still less than the Bay Area. There are practically NO ASIANS, very weird. Instead there are Hispanics of all types and some Caribbeans from places like Haiti and of course Cuba. I spoke French twice in one morning and Spanish twice: the room attendant was from Haiti, I could tell by her happy face and French name. Then there was a cashier in Walgreen's that talked like Inspector Clouseau, then a Mexican (?) guy in the grocery store, and finally a girl of Peruvian decent in a restaurant. Blacks are from all over: Cuba, Brazil, and Haiti plus other countries, so it's hard to tell who is who.

6. Because everything is so new, it's all chain stores. There are very few small businesses, so few that i took a pic of a little strip mall with some. I hope to live in such an area if I can find it. But this situation really makes me sick: Bed Barf and Beyond on one corner, Walgreen's on the other, a burger joint or two. Sprinkle with a Shell or Valero and you've got the country we all wanted. Yikes. There must be places with character somewhere, I'll find them.

7. There is some evidence of an elderly population: I saw a couple of Kidney Centers. Are they for giving, receiving, bartering, or what? Also there is a "Vitamin Shoppe" around every three blocks.

8. It's CHEAP, you feel it everywhere. You can rent for half of what you pay in the Bay Area and there is no state income tax. I just saved 15,000 dollars per year after tax in one short sentence, that's 1,300 per month kiddies. Of course I'll make a lot less but I won't need as much.

9. There is a noted absence of high-tech jobs. I knew this and have already been working with my Coach Christine Young analyzing, slicing, dicing, and dissecting local company info.

10. Last but not least, there is at least some natural beauty, well, man-made natural beauty: there are canals all over the place. I assume they are man-made just by the way they are perfectly laid out. They are beautiful, with super gorgeous homes that back on to them and have big boats hooked up. Honey, I'm going shopping! OK, are you taking the boat or the car?

So, I'm just driving around looking at stuff and sitting around, very therapeutic.

Here are some cool gringo canals with fancy condos and stuff:

From Florida Xmas 2008 - Grik Grapples free from Grisly Grad!!

From Florida Xmas 2008 - Grik Grapples free from Grisly Grad!!

This is the area that I'll be living in haha:

From Florida Xmas 2008 - Grik Grapples free from Grisly Grad!!

There is a lift bridge between I-95 and the Beach, which is really cool except the next closest crossing is several miles away, so there is quite a mess every time it goes up:



And there is a giant iguana the size of an alligator here, but I couldn't find the darned thing!



But I actually did see a pretty large iguana here:

From Florida Xmas 2008 - Grik Grapples free from Grisly Grad!!

Sudden Audible at Line of Scrimmage Changes Whole Game!

While still gainfully employed I had arranged a trip over Xmas to the Dominican Republic, thinking that I would either be employed and off, or unemployed and available to travel. Regrettably, it was the latter that came about.

I was going to meet Raquel Ramirez, one of the unforgettable people I have ever met. Orphaned at a young age, she had been married to a Dominican who one disappeared off the face of the earth never to be seen again. The only evidence of his existence was a request for divorce that showed up in the mail one day and threats of taking her boy away to the USA delivered through her ex mother-in-law. Stuck with two kids, Raquel has fought and scratched for everything she has, she is a fantastic person by any measure. We had an on-line friendship that spanned two years covering her divorce and mine, job gains and losses, and the usual ups and downs. She suddenly announced her long-hidden love in an email, stating that she had tried every hint in the book but none of them flipped the switch in my head. So we went from friendship to romance in no time flat, complete with lusty messages and revealing photos zipping around cyberspace. It was cool while it lasted.

To make a long story short, as soon as my trip was inked and commitments made, the tone of the relationship subtly changed from a heady romance to "need another quart of milk for the kiddies." OK, the hints were much more subtle, but either way, I was not impressed and quickly bowed out.

Enter Bianca, another charming young Dominican babe with a sweet little 5 year old girl living in Nagua, out in the boonies on the East coast of the DR, where life is slower and more civilized than in Santo Domingo, the sprawling mess of a capital. Very appealing.

Real nice girl with a stable family situation, studying to be a lawyer (this definitely got a red flag up but I deftly put it to the side), very intelligent and witty. Her mom is a teacher and her father owns a little store. I told her that I want out of this rat race in the coming years and definitely would like to spend at least part of the year abroad and why not in the DR? As always, I stated right up front that I have no intention of bringing anyone to the US for any reason, ever. This suited her fine and her parents even more - no need to worry about some graying gringo stealing their daughter and granddaughter off to his far away land.

As my Christmas eve departure date neared, the tone became more and more commercial. As you know, I hate Christmas, as it is a symbol of how commercialism has taken over everything to the point where we can hardly remember what it is we're celebrating, so I was not pleased to say the least.

First came the gift list, which got longer. Then came subtle but clear changes in the agenda, with the sprinklings of romance replaced by meetings with parents and relatives and a businesslike tone that got me nervous.

The deal-breaker came in the form of a text message the day before my scheduled departure: "Pls send money right away." Hmmmm, sounded ominous, so we got on the blower and then on the internet to hash this out. After a lengthy discussion, it turned out that she wanted to buy a dress for her daughter. Now, there's an emergency if I have ever seen one. I thought the house was on fire or something.

Sincerely, I would have been happy to oblige and had even mentioned wanting to get something cool for the little girl, it wouldn't have been expensive, and I understood right from Day One that this was a package deal including daughter. It was the tone of the whole thing that set a new expectation: I could now see that in her mind I would be responsible for every breath Bianca and her daughter will draw for the rest of their natural lives!! YIKES, where's the door?

Now, I do some crazy stuff and I'll be the first to admit it. I wasn't looking for anything for free with Bianca, least of all with a budding lawyer, but that was a bit too much, so I feigned illness (I have been grappling with sniffles and a grip for a week or so, so it wasn't hard to do) and said sorry, can't make it, talk soon! Sure, if an old fart like me wants a charming young lady, she's going to want maturity and stability in a number of ways, money's one of them, but if it's at the top of the list it's probably not a good sign for the future. Put in another way, would she still like me if I was broke? (I am but she doesn't believe me, they never do hahaha!!!)

Let's get into this a bit mre. First, a disclaimer for the lady readers out there: this is written from a man's point of view. And, let's say, an extremely international point of view. Remember, I have spent more of my adult life outside the US/Canada than in it, so I have a different perspective.

The fact is that two times in a row the wrong expectations were somehow set. Make that three - a similar thing happened with the Colombian babe I went to visit in summer who really thought her role in life was to sit in the corner being beautiful while the whole world revolves around her. (A knockout babe no doubt - maybe that IS her role, it just won't be with me haha.)

Obviously, as a Project Manager who prides himself on Change Management above all else, I have been doing a poor job of having the result match with what was expected. Either that or these babes are keeping an ace up their sleeves until just the right moment (like AFTER I have spent a bundle on a plane ticket and am committed), then pull it out and start adding demands. I don't really think so, probably they feel that the money side of things is automatic and, anyway, all gringos are millionaires (so they think), so whatever they may want is peanuts, right?

There are two reasons why these girls want gringos: Virtually all of them have had bad experiences with their own men. The odds are stacked against these girls getting someone decent as the chauvinism is so ingrained in their value system. This makes it great for gringos, as your average schlepp like myself comes out smelling roses for just treating the girl like a lady.

For sure the other reason is the girls want a chance to go abroad (but this excludes me and my headline hollers out that I'm not bringing anyone here to USA because I do not want to commit to living here) and have a better life, or stay in their country and get a guy with some money. Not an original thought by any stretch. And why not? I think everyone has the right to a better life and a chance to get it, whether it means escaping in a boat or marrying or whatever.

So, in conclusion, I'm at the right Race Track, now I just need to bet on the right horse. I am in no rush whatsoever, at the rate I'm un-saving money I will not be headed to live in the Latin world any time soon. These girls are all super: they have good jobs, well-educated, good personalities, very sophisticated, beautiful, can actually perform household chores with great pleasure, etc., etc. I should know, I've been talking to them for almost THREE years on the internet. I can pick out the visa-seekers and phonies in about 10 minutes, maybe half an hour at most. My experience at Friendfinder was also invaluable in this context. We heard international broken heart stories every day. Of course, the years in Thailand were the most valuable, as the national sport for quite a few women is to find a gringo and relieve him of his savings.

I will not reveal any further details at this time, but suffice it to say that there are several backups in place in different countries. A good PM always has a backup plan for everything. If and when my plan to move to FL comes to fruition, it will be much easier to actually meet in person: it's 2 hours to the DR or 3 to Colombia from Miami!

Anyway, back to the story: A flurry of activity followed during which I re-arranged this week to take place in south Florida, which probably should have been my destination all along given the way the other two ideas turned out. I grabbed my laptop since it is my connection to the "real" world: I have no life in the Valley of Silliness, my body is there, I go out with my buddies, but my mind is long gone.....

I have had it in my mind to move to Florida for several years for a long list of reasons: my fading professional skill set, a feeling of mission accomplished in the Valley of Silliness, high cost of living, dislike of the cold weather, and proximity to my aged parents on the East coast. Add to that my love affair with the Latin world that has been budding over the last 3 years and a strategy was hatched:

A. look for a short gig in San Jose and put my house up for sale, then
B. find a place in Florida to live and move if the house gets sold before the gig arises,
C. collect California Unemployment Insurance while spending at a Florida rate while looking for a job in my Project Management space.
D. if that fails, look for a job involving my languages, and finally
E. go abroad and teach English, French, and/or German and wait out the economic crisis here in the USA. Not only would I gain experience, but in a year my Spanish would be fluent and I could still seek out employment in my Project Management space.

Anyway, so here I sit in my favorite little hotel in Miami on Christmas Day 2008. Today, I will relax, recover from the 3 hours time change, study the area, and guzzle beers at my favorite Cuban restaurant, the Airport Cafe. Check out the ham and cheese sandwich they sell for 5 bucks pictured below. The pic doesn't do it justice, the thing is a MONSTER. Haha. Here is a video of the Cuban place, it's a real TRIP, I love it. Check out the caboose on the Waitress while you're at it:



By the way, no sooner did I say on the video that I have never seen a gringo in the Cuban bar and sure enough, a whole bunch of them showed up. Check them out in the other photo at the top of this page. One of the waitresses said to the other in Spanish "I don't understand anything, do you?" HAHAHA.

Maybe I'll write a book about all my Internet romances!! Maybe that's what I'm already doing? haha.

Anyway, tomorrow, I will head up to Deerfield Beach in my Rent-A-Wreck car (that's the real name of the outfit! Well, at least they are cheap.)